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struggle

Published February 18th, 2012

I’ve always been scared of the thought of being alone.

So I seek comfort all the time.

Form one relationship to the next. Thinking about it, it didn’t work because I didn’t let it work. I was too stubborn. I have my ideals. Out of this world crazy ideals that will only be understood by me. Yes. By me alone. I do not conform, nor will I ever conform. People who want to be with me should conform to me. Yes a very bratty thought and yes I am bratty. But if someone really loves me, which is impossibly so, because I am very very difficult to love, that person will willingly conform to me. Lets stop this talk about stubbornness, conforming and relationships not working out. This one is a different story. I am scared. To be alone in this world. But I am going to try to. No conforming, no adjusting nothing about relationships whatsoever. Just me and the world. To start my own adventure. Places to go and things to do. And a lot of people to meet. I will be free, I will be happy even when I’m alone.

I know at first it will be sad. But I am not scared of being sad. Sadness is a phase. Like happiness is. Both are fleeting moments in our life. One minute your happy the next your sad and then your happy again. If you really want to be constantly happy. Be happy alone. Find happiness in yourself and in other things around you. Do not rely on other people for happiness because they will eventually make you sad. And will make you feel pain. The most painful thing in this world is change, though sometimes, change can be a good thing. It can really be painful when change happens in the context of love.

I am sitting here, in this coffee shop in between my home and my workplace, thinking about a lot of things. My mind is constantly struggling. Whether to conform or not to. Whether to stand up for my ideals or to give in. Whether my love for this person is stronger than my ideals. I need to breathe, I need space, I need to be away, far far away. However, again my mind is in constant struggle. If I should be responsible enough and feel miserable most of the time or be tremendously irresponsible and selfish and do the things I want to do. The thought of running away from everything may seem cowardly, but for me.. it’s courageous. Not being scared of what other people might think. Living my life as I want it. And not conform with other people. Be myself, rely on myself and be independently happy and totally alone. Yes I want to run away. I am planning to run away. From what seems like my world. But for now, I will cowardly live in it. I will blend in, for now and when my time comes, when I am courageous enough…. I will run away and never ever look back.

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