unfixable (10/2/09)

Published February 18th, 2012

They say, that once broken you remain unfixable. Nothing can ever bring you back to the way you were. You have already been wounded and though wounds heal they leave a scar. No matter how you hide it and pretend it’s not there, it has already caused damage and has left you incomplete. You are already scarred, branded, marked for life. You may want to put a sign that says damaged goods KEEP OFF. So no one will ever go near you. So you won’t have to fake a smile when they try their best to cheer you up but still fail to. So no one would ever hope that they have a chance to win your heart when all you could give is a piece of it, already shattered, already broken and still belonging to someone else.

Someone once told me that in order to move on you have to feel the pain. Linger in it. Make it strike you over and over until you feel nothing at all. And when you feel numb, maybe, just maybe you will be able to forget. Forget you ever loved, forget whatever happiness it brought you, forget the pain that was repeatedly caused, forget you ever cried and forget those lonely days and nights when you felt wanting. Forgetting about it is just a temporary solution. Unwanted memories are stored and kept in a part of your brain and once stimulated, you will be able to relive all through it again. A permanent solution for a broken heart is to suck it up and take it all in, digest and absorb it. So your system will be able to circulate and distribute every last bit of memory in order for you to be able to be the person you’re supposed to be. A person who has the will to stand up after every fall.

In this life, we have to keep in mind that no one can ever fix you except you. No one can ever make you whole but you. And no one can ever fill that empty space. All you have to do is realize that before anybody else you were whole. So there is no need to fix things because you remain as you are, even before anyone else, you are someone who is whole. No need to fill the empty space because there was no hole to begin with. We just have to accept the fact that someone that used to make us smile and make our lonely days worthwhile is not there anymore and that we ourselves are to blame for giving someone that hold and that power to control our emotions.

And before you move on and start a new chapter, make sure that the past has long been gone. Make sure that one chapter has already ended. No ties, no more “what ifs” or “might have beens”, and no more hopes on editing the story or continuing it. Make sure that they only serve as memories that once made you happy, made you feel pain and made you the person you are now. Let it go, for if you still linger in it, there will be conflict. And when there is conflict, life will be as complicated as can be. And you, by your own doing will remain, unfixable.

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